RIP

I’m crying and my workout hasn’t even started yet.  I’m crying because it’s the second phase of the program, a phase called CLIMB.  No, I’m not crying because I’m scared of the workout.  The tears are coming from so many places, and a part is relief because I know the next 2 weeks of this program are designed to help me overcome these internal struggles.

I’m crying because I’m battling with a drop in self belief. It’s temporary.  It always is.  I’ve had a drop in belief that I can handle the hard, that I can make the right decisions, that I’m good enough to carry out God’s mission.  I know, I know.  I tell myself all the right things.  I constantly quiet that annoying negative voice that tries to creep in.  But after deep fall into a valley the last half of 2018, sometimes fighting that voice gets exhausting, allowing it to get louder and louder.  I can’t even imagine where I would be if I hadn’t been training my mindset and faith the last 3 years.  It would be a scary place.  That’s a very good sign right there that God has been building me up for this.

I’m crying because we lost someone last night.  My grandfather passed away, and it’s silly even being sad when he lived ON HIS OWN, until 96…oh, and did I mention he ran his own business from home up until now?!  So even though he was an amazing man with an amazing long life, it kills me to know the pain my own father has to feel now losing both his parents.

Let me tell you about these two men… my father and grandfather.  They are the most calming, quietly strong men you will have ever met.  I’ve never heard either of them raise their voice.  Never.  They are calm and gentle, yet so disciplined and hard working.  They are the kind of men that rarely say no to helping people.  They are the kind of men that can fix anything… like seriously, anything.  My grandfather was still using computer programs that I probably couldn’t understand well into his 90’s.

I legit believe my dad is one of the smartest, kind hearted, positive, hard working men out there.  And it is obvious where he got it from when you meet my grandpa.

It’s sad to lose someone, but also important to celebrate such a long, independent life and cherish the memories on Grandpa’s farm.  Us cousins lived it up on Grandpa’s farm: climbing in and out of hundred’s of tires, climbing to the second story of the lofts in the barn and flipping into a pile of straw at the bottom (all the things I would never let my kids do now, haha), playing in the farm wagons, picking fresh raspberries from Grandma’s raspberry bushes.  Every Christmas get together, before we opened gifts, Grandpa would read the Christmas story straight from the Bible.

We will miss you Grandpa, but can’t even imagine how happy you are to be back with Grandma again.