I haven’t written a blog in a while. I haven’t really known what to write, and I still don’t. My life and business are on social media, and I’ve never been one that just wants to show the highlights, but man… my life is amazing and often it seems like it’s just a bunch of highlights (along with the normal day to day stresses and struggles).
Overnight my life felt like it crashed. It’s not something I can share or want to talk about fully. I will tell you that I feel like I’m the only one who has ever gone through this. I’ll tell you I’ve never felt so broken, even when family members have passed away. I can tell you I’ve never begged God to hold me and save me as much as I have in the last couple weeks. I’ve never felt so much pressure on my chest and have had to bite my lips so many times to keep from crying in front of my children.
At the same time, I’m blessed, I’m loved, I’m supported. I love so deeply even when I feel hurt and angry. That love hasn’t changed. I know God has built me up for the last 3 years to handle anything, and for that I’m grateful. I feel sad for those that don’t have that strength, connection, mindset, and support built around them and I feel like I want to teach them how to get that. Because 3 years ago I don’t know that I could have been strong enough.
My devotional for the day spoke to me as always, as I’m yelling for God to shout out my directions.
Though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your teachers will not be moved into a corner anymore, but your eyes shall see your teachers. Your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left.
“We have off-peak seasons in life too. Some experiences leave us devastated- things we had no control over, couldn’t have predicted, and cannot explain nor justify. Events that simply happened to us. Situations that offer no closure.
And in fact, a lonely, cold beach can often be the appropriate setting to process some of our grief. We think through what our ‘new normal’ will be, or we ask God to help us find a peace that does not require understanding.
These are not moments where we play victim because we truly are victims. We didn’t do anything to cause what happened (though we will replay the events in our minds a million times, just to be sure). And any individuals involved will appear to have gotten away with their wrongdoing. Even if they’re confronted and they repent, this would not remove pain from your heart. It wouldn’t be an even exchange. Where is God? And what are we expected to do now?
We grieve. We mourn. We also pray. We take our time being careful to not miss a step in the process (and shortchange our own healing).
As the wind whips through your hair, think about how you are able to withstand the wind’s taunts. As you stand or sit in silence, envision how strong He has made you, amid calamity.
These are the times He chooses not to rescue us; these are the times He walks with us, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.'”
~Devotions for the Beach…and days you wish you were there