I am a big dreamer and goal setter. When I set goals, I am pretty laser focused on reaching them. I am a doer. I don’t sit still and allow unproductive time easily. In fact, it is very hard and uncomfortable for me to have unproductive time and it’s something I often have to force myself to do.
I walk in every room in my house and can’t wait for that feeling when it is sparkling clean. Now mind you, I have 4 children and a petting zoo residing in the same building as me. This goal of always having a “staged, open house, bleach smelling home that looks like a picture out of Pier One or Arhaus” is an absolute impossible feat. Yet it doesn’t stop me from trying…. every single day… to get there. The problem is, I often end the day feeling like I failed.
I came down this morning and looked at the mess in my piano room. At first the feelings of exhaustion and defeat crept in, my inner doer complaining I didn’t get enough done yesterday while reprimanding myself for poor parenting skills that raised children that don’t know how to clean up after themselves!
Yet I also have a fighting voice in my head. A voice of appreciation for the markers and crayons. A whisper that reminds me how blessed I am to have these 4 children that don’t always…okay, it is pretty rare that they do… clean up after themselves. In fact, I really, absolutely LOVE the chaos and messiness of my life.
As a a doer (is this even a real word) and goal-focused person, it’s like there are always two separate dialogues going on in my head. One that is saying DO MORE, YOU DIDN’T GET ENOUGH DONE… the same one that is so excited to hit that goal and can almost feel it and taste it. Then there is the other influence in my head that relishes in the ups and downs of the journey and knows the process and day to day chaos is the REAL joy in striving for those goals.
I like having both voices. One keeps me growing and dreaming, which is my favorite thing to do, while the other pries my eyes open to the already there beauty and blessings in my life, giving me an appreciation for the messiness and ups and downs of the journey.
So as I sit here and drink my coffee, I’m just going to roll my eyes at the disastrous, non magazine worthiness of my current living situation AND smile thinking about how much I love those little hands that can destroy a room in 30 seconds. I’m going to growl at this ugly blue carpet I plan on ripping out while reminding myself I want to get rid of all 27 pets we own (especially that small annoying dog that likes to come in and pee on this carpet) AND reminisce about all the pets my parents allowed me growing up, reminding me how much I enjoy seeing my children get to experience the same thing. I might sit down at my computer this morning and wonder how much more I need to do to hit my crazy income and business goals to help my family in the way I want to, BUT at the same time know 100% it isn’t a money goal that will change our lives, and knowing the growth and happiness I’ve received every day, the relationships I’ve built, have already changed my life forever.
So I need to quit apologizing to myself and not feel guilty for these conflicting voices in my head, because honestly I think they work well together. I’m going to keep setting and focusing on the crazy goals and picture perfect vision I’m striving for, I might feel like there is always more I need to do and go to bed not thinking I got enough done, but I am also loving almost every second of my life and very aware of the fact that the NOW is the most beautiful place to be.